I don't know, it's a mystery!

 Hey!
      I haven't decided what I'm going to use this blog for yet.😼
 I think that it's good to write daily, even if you don't have a certain topic in mind. 

Just to write is good if you're a writer, poet, etc. that is. 

I've written loads of poems that I've always intended to turn into a book but have no local support to do so.

 I have loads of international emotional support but nothing else. You seriously can't be a graduate of B-School and NOT have international support. That just isn't possible.

 I do know that books of all kinds do not get made on their own though. Galleries, small buisnesses, etc. do not get known as such on their own and it usually takes money.

Money is made by almost everyone on this earth daily.I don't believe that money is bad. It's how that money is used that matters. People need a job to pay for rent, food, etc. in order to live. None of those things are bad. I don't understand using it for other things though. I honestly don't..not when there are people in need starving, etc.

 Although, I DO know what it's like to NOT be able to make money at all because of my health.  In all honesty, if it were not for my family I would be homeless. I am anything but rich and some days have to go without. I'm not complaining though because I have a bed to sleep in and that's more than some! Still, I know I'm as poor as they come. 

My health has changed alot since I was a child because I do not have up to 100 seizures a day. I can also think much better today yet in my youth I couldn't think that well. Does that mean that I am not judged? Well, look at the experience I have and ask yourself if I have a paying job. Need I say more?

As a teen, even in my health, I could memorize things REALLY well and follow orders or instructions exactly! 

 I now have seizures only once and awhile so they are anything but under control 100%. I also have to live with any painful memories that I have due to seizures, the medical testing, etc. that I went through. 

How could I have grown up in theatre and had seizures you ask? Well, take a look at history will you? Did Bob Fosse have seizures? Yes, he did and he also had I don't know how many wonderful ideas that others helped bring to life.Others did not stop those beautiful ideas, they encouraged them to grow. His ideas changed the world. 

 I'm no Bob Fosse but if he did not let Epilepsy stop him, why should I?Life with Epilepsy is hard, I have to be honest but life no matter what is hard. There are jerks in the world, etc. but there are REALLY good people to. There are reasons to follow your dreams. I hope that you choose to be like both Bob Fosse and myself. I hope you follow your dreams and they come true for you.  

Moving on, I do have multiple ideas but the reason most of them have not come to life is because I do not have what Bob Fosse had. I don't have people who believe in me to work with and my talent isn't as obvious as his astounding dancing was.

 Everyone does not see the beauty in abstracts. They don't see the meaning behind them. I DO think it's a shame that more in this area do not believe in me so that my ideas can be brought to life like Bob Fosses were. 

I think it very well could be a loss to the world.

I was honestly taken to theatre because it was illegal to leave me home alone. I hated it at first but started to love it very VERY fast! Most of the people I worked with, grew up with, loved and trusted nolonger talk to me today.  

 I would think that were a technical thing but in all honesty many know exactly where I am and could visit. You have to know, understand, etc. that these people are often to busy with their own lives. 

You can't take it personally because that's the artworld for ya. 

 As a teen, I had countless tests done on me. This was after school and between rehearsals, shows, etc.

The smell of the glue used on me when they did that testing years ago was HORRIBLE. 

They THANKFULLY DO NOT USE THAT TODAY!

 NO WONDER TOO because who KNOWS what that did to my body! Obviously, someone put a stop to it because it was harmful. I'm glad that others don't have to go through that hell.

Thank you whoever you are because NOONE should have to deal with that. It's hard enough having epilepsy.

 It would take days for the glue to actually get out of my hair and was painful because it'd often pull my hair right out.  Does anyone in my life care what horrors I've faced? I certainly doubt it because if they did someone, SOMEONE would stand up for my rights. Maybe they care but just don't have the guts to stand up for what's right.

  I honestly can't help but laugh whenever I see anyone saying they're standing up for rights in Ga. Everytime, I think what a joke.🤣

 At least when people in movies, etc. have make-up put on them, they know if it's going to be ok for them or not. They also have pictures, etc. of happy times due to it. 

Now THAT, I would have gladly done and certainly wouldn't complain but that testing I only did because my mother wanted me to. I was suicidal in my teens due to the side-effects from meds and the amount of seriously harmful seizures I had. Interestingly enough, I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but if that wouldn't cause PTSD I don't know what would. I didn't care if they could not help me without testing. They honestly couldn't help much with tests either. My seizures were too bad. 

Today is a different story but I also do not take meds with suicide as a side-effect, etc. My life in the arts would have been amazing if it were not for my health. The arts, movies, tvshows and music helped me cope with horrors that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I'm so glad that part of my life is over.

   I don't even know how I can think at all having to deal with so much though. I kinda doubt others who know me understand it either.  In all honesty, it comes out in panic attacks. Panic attacks that are hard on my body but nobody cares about that fact. If they did, someone would hire me so I could pay to move away to safety.

 I do not judge people with money or without it because everyone is different. I just think that if they truly did care, they'd take their money and hire me based on my experience so that I could pay to move. If not they're idiotic and assume that everything can be dealt with by calming down. 

I can calm down myself too, so I get that way of thinking. I CAN NOT calm down after a point though.

Due to that, I believe that way of thinking can and is often taken too far. Everyones brain is different.

 My brain does not give me the ability to calm down as easily but that doesn't mean that I can't do my best. That doesn't mean that I don't have the type of blood that I was meant to have flowing around my brain, etc. keeping me strong. I know that I've spoken of this before but I get my Epilepsy from Prince John who would have Queen Elizabeth lls Uncle had he lived. I still don't know why though seeing as how my relation goes all the way back to Mary Queen of Scots.

Moving on, due to my ability to calm down, I can think. I don't think many in my situaion would be able to. I would ask why but I don't think anyone knows. It's a mystery!

 I can NOT control my seizures without medications though. That is NOT possible for me and nobody will ever convince me that it is. I would love to try Medical Marijuana but it is not legal for me to do so here. Even doing so, I would not be willing to get off medications.

 Learning to calm yourself IS HUGELY important when you have Epilepsy and I'm sure it is with other health conditions as well.  

 People also usually have emotional support but I also know that if some consider you competition instead of a fellow artist they would be highly unlikely to support you. Add health onto it and some will simply not be able or willing to look past it. 

There's also the fact that some may not know who I am today. Some may not be able to put the past in the past and live.

Either way, I don't mind.

 Whatever! 

I can't wait to share with you next time.

 Don't know if that will be tomorrow or what.  

Until than though...

 Namaste

             Angela